Step 9
“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
“The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it.” — Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 83
Step 9 is where the list becomes action. It’s one of the most feared steps — and one of the most transformative.
What it means
“Direct amends” — face to face where possible. Not a letter, not a text, not a message through someone else. Direct means direct.
“We go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret. Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. Simply we tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past.” — Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 77
“Wherever possible” — some people can’t be reached. Some are dead. Some would be harmed by contact. The step acknowledges this.
“Although these reparations take innumerable forms, there are some general principles which we find guiding. Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be.” — Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 79
“Except when to do so would injure them or others” — this is the crucial qualifier. If making an amends would hurt the person, their family, or someone else, you don’t make it — or you find another form.
“We cannot buy our own peace of mind at the expense of others.” — Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 80
An amends is not just an apology. It’s a change in behavior. “I’m sorry” without changed conduct is hollow.
“The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough.” — Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 82
The Promises
The Big Book describes what happens as a result of working Steps 8 and 9:
“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.” — Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 83–84
Common struggles
“What if they react badly?” Their reaction isn’t yours to control. Your job is to show up honestly and make the amends.
“We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone.” — Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 83
“Some of my amends involve money I don’t have.” A payment plan is an amends. Acknowledging the debt and committing to repay it over time counts.
“Approached in this way, the most ruthless creditor will sometimes surprise us. Arranging the best deal we can we let these people know we are sorry. Our drinking has made us slow to pay.” — Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 78
“I made the amends but they didn’t forgive me.” Forgiveness from them isn’t the goal. Your side of the street being clean is the goal.
“The question of how to approach the man we hated will arise. It may be he has done us more harm than we have done him and, though we may have acquired a better attitude toward him, we are still not too keen about admitting our faults. Nevertheless, with a person we dislike, we take the bit in our teeth.” — Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 77
Practical suggestions
- Do Step 9 with your sponsor’s guidance — don’t go alone into difficult amends
- Start with easier amends to build confidence
- Be specific: name what you did, don’t generalize
- Don’t bring up their wrongs during your amends
“Before taking drastic action which might implicate other people we secure their consent. If we have obtained permission, have consulted with others, asked God to help and the drastic step is indicated we must not shrink.” — Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 80
Speaker talks on Step 9
- Me First: Making Amends Steps 8–9 — Kia H, Patrik H
- 12 Steps to a Spiritual Awakening (Part 4) — Sandy B
- Working Workaholics Anonymous Steps 1–9 — Workshop
Related tags
relationship · promises · step-8 · step-10
All Steps
Step 1 · Step 2 · Step 3 · Step 4 · Step 5 · Step 6 · Step 7 · Step 8 · Step 9 · Step 10 · Step 11 · Step 12